Sunday, 18 September 2011
Some figurative bleeding.
Ernest Hemmingway said, 'There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and just bleed." If you don't mind, I'm going to try to do a little bit of that figurative bleeding tonight. It will probably be good for me.
Sometimes I get so unhappy. Not all the time, I reiterate, but sometimes. Particularly after being happy for a little while. Somehow excessive happiness (is there such a thing?) gets me all pessimistic and expecting some form of impending doom. That's tonight, in a nutshell. Last week was tough, I was feeling unappreciated, exhausted and very sorry for myself. Then the weekend came and I found myself at the point I've been waiting to reach for a few months now. It was time to implode.
I've managed to over-commit myself monumentally. I don't say no because I don't think of the 'then'. I'll always just deal with it later, I'll hide under my duvet for now and somehow it will, it must, sort itself out. That is a stupid and self destructive way to be, let me tell you. It is stressful.
There's so many things that I want to do differently or I want to change or I want to run away from. But it's all stuff I don't have much control over. There are necessary steps to making these changes, and right now I'm travelling over said stepping stones and I'm not much enjoying it. My life is in such a state of transition, with working, saving, work experience, uncertainty, choices; and to be quite honest with you I'm finding it really quite depressing.
I've got to save a lot of money before I can live with my boyfriend who currently resides a billion miles away from me. I miss him fucking loads. I've then got to find a job. With no qualifications and a rent and bills in need of paying. I have to make the right choice in terms of my career. If I'm not studying I need to be working my arse off in unpaid positions. This can be tiring and a little soul destroying. Not to mention a strain on the income. Particularly when you've got a million and one other things you need to/want to do and personally cannot cope with failing. There are things that I have committed to that I just don't have the time to do. I am not willing to give up my happiness, my relationships or my enjoyment of life, but, having said that, who knows what things could lead to. What if I give up something that could bring me everything I want? There's a lot of questions to juggle, you see. And it's just getting a bit much.
I did get to sleep, finally, at 4am last night/this morning, maybe this has something to do with my current state of despair. I'll keep you posted. I just hope that everything gets a little easier. I'll keep you posted on that too, don't you worry.
Oh and while we're here, if someone could go and get Gareth and bring him to me that would be grand.